When Your Fap Fantasy Turns Out To Be A Right-Wing Douchebag

Antonio Sabato, Jr. is speaking at the GOP convention.
From: NewNowNext

As we get older, the stars of our youth begin to dim. Gravity takes its toll, careers sputter, ugly truths come to light.

As a child of the ’80s, I’m reminded of this all too often—and in uncomfortable ways. Looking at the list of “celebrity” speakers at next week’s Republican National Convention, I cringed when I saw Antonio Sabato, Jr. was on the list.

 Sabato, Jr. was the original Calvin Klein hunk—a marble statue come to life with a Mediterranean glow.

 He was sexy Jagger Cates on General Hospital.

 And wooed Janet in “Love Will Never Do (Without You).”

 He had abs before anyone even knew what abs were.

 Tim Tebow is also speaking at the convention, but we all knew where he stood from Day One. But Antonio did gay sex scenes in two different movies! (And I know because I sat through both. Well, most of them.)

 Still, there he’ll be, getting up on stage in Cleveland Tuesday night singing Donald Trump’s praises.

“I am planning to speak for a few minutes,” Sabato, who doesn’t identify as Republican or Democrat, told People magazine. “I will discuss my frustration and fear of how things are now, and how we need the kind of change Trump can bring.”

🇺🇸😎👌 we believe you will make #americagreatagain ! @realDonaldTrump @GovPenceIN pic.twitter.com/egOlQeaZgd

— Antonio Sabáto Jr (@antoniosabatojr) July 17, 2016

The actor, 44, calls Trump “refreshing,” and says he “speaks for many of us when he says we are in a bad place.”

By bad place, I’m pretty sure he means with all these foreigners around: “Now all of Europe has changed,” Sabato said after the terror attack in Nice. “We need a straight-to-the-point person like Trump to give us a fresh start.”

Antonio Sabato isn’t a headliner in my sexual fantasies—more of a bit player. But still, what’s a gay guy of a certain age to do?

Especially now that it sounds like Scott Baio is speaking at the GOP convention, too.

Granted, I stopped paying attention to Scott after Charles in Charge, but those Battle of the Network Stars specials were masturbatory gold to an adolescent gayling in world before high-speed-Internet.

Of course we lost Kirk Cameron a long time ago.

And while Viggo Mortensen’s equating of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is more irresponsible than reactionary, it adds up to the same thing: A piece of my sexual awakening has withered and died.

You can’t unfap something. You can’t erase the memory of Mikey Seaver and Boner rolling around in the back of Alan Thicke’s Volvo, or of Charles taking “charge” with Willie Aames.

Do you keep calling on that fantasy—sticking it to the GOP as you mentally violate their celebrity spokesmen? Or have those wank bank accounts been closed forever?

I can’t help but wonder what my gay forefathers did when Charlton Heston became a mouthpiece for the NRA.

We need a word for it—for when the celebrity who starred in your sexual fantasies turns out to be a first-class crumb bum.

Wanker’s remorse? Getting your cumtrumppence? (That was Dan Savage’s suggestion.)

Getting your cum trumppence? https://t.co/KTecvpcglA

— Dan Savage (@fakedansavage) July 16, 2016

We need a word for when you learn someone you fapped to is actually a turd @fakedansavage https://t.co/PGjDb8aCZl pic.twitter.com/FGv43TbnOa

— Dan Avery (@ItsDanAvery) July 16, 2016

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