Eager to know what’s in store for your love life this year? Well, our totally accurate hoe-o-scopes will tell you if you’ll be falling in love or just falling into bed with countless men…
Aquarius
You may not have the best track record with men, but in 2016 you manage to steer clear of dickheads and douchebags — just about! April isn’t just a time for spring awakenings as you start to notice your inner hoe breaking free. And you find yourself falling for an average joe you gave a cheeky hand-job to. Open your legs to new experiences in June. To deepen love with a partner be prepared to engage in a bit of S&M. If you’re single, an exciting prospect comes in the form of a dom top in late October, and you’ll end the year meeting his painfully boring parents.
Pisces
This year is all about new experiences; so try being a top, or dating a black guy. Stretch yourself… mentally, physically and anatomically. As the year progresses you’ll drop a ton of weight through a new-found drug habit or an unhealthy obsession with the way you look and general ennui of being the Michelle of your group. But you’ll look totally major for it though. So don’t be surprised when a penis from the past comes knocking on your bedroom door. He did you wrong, but the dick good and he’s rich, so with the help of beneficial Jupiter, you rekindle that flame. Beware side-boys and a jealous muscle Mary with excessive facial hair.
Aries
There’s a slim possibility of love this year, mainly ‘cause you only ever meet men off Tinder. Use this year as an opportunity to socialize more. Accept invites to events, dinner parties and orgies. Around October you’ll be oozing confidence (and potentially genital pus), but you’ve found your sexuality again. Steer clear of drunken fumblings with friends of friends, and flirting with the husbands of socialite bitches. If you’re coupled up, a romantic getaway in September has connotations to a ring; whether it’s a proposal or the best rim-job of your life, only your care-free persona and grooming techniques will tell. Going shopping for sex toys in late November leads to a kinky threesome.
Taurus
While you’re not the only one who hates the colder months, things will heat up for you early next year; unfortunately it could just be a urinary tract infection. But your piss won’t be the only thing burning in 2016, Venus encourages you to spread the love – and your legs. Look out for a mysterious Daddy-type eating a croissant at Pret-a-manger. He’s not The One, but fuzzy feelings come more from just his mustache on your pelvis. Keep your options open though, as with Venus in your sign you’ll be attracting enough boys to have your pick. You’ll end the year with a string of meaningless hook-ups under your belt (literally), and a new love interest at work. He’s kinda vanilla, but you’re naturally persuasive.
Gemini
Entering 2016, it’s time to ditch the fuck boys. Plan a trip around March and April to experience a holiday romance – and multiple orgasms. But don’t get too attached, as he’s got more issues than Vogue. And he doesn’t even wear designer. Saying that, so do you… Leave them on his bedroom floor, honey. If you’re partnered, it’s time to get frisky in public; taxis, theaters and morgues bring a spice that’s been absent from your sex life. After a few frivolous flirtations, from July look out for a business man with a beefy chest, that shares your interests. Be wary of a jealous ex that’s losing his hair.
Cancer
There are big things headed your way for 2016. Seriously, girl. If you thought you were tight before, you might be having second thoughts towards the end of the year. Passion becomes intense around the summer months, but if you want to keep the man you need to compromise; give up smoking, stop slut-shaming, accept he’s a little basic, etc. Just don’t let the stallion ruin you for future prospects, if you know what I mean. Clear your diary in August for a sizzling stint in the sun, but avoid the temptation to cheat with a chiseled club promoter. In December make sure you get checked, as someone may not have been entirely honest with you.
Leo
A fashion overhaul this year makes you a more attractive prospect to men who aren’t good enough for you anyway. Still though, you were never one to turn down a one night stand. Treat walk of shames like a runway. Just try and do it on the DL, as ugly bitches will be quick to call you out. In May, you’ll assert yourself as hot property. Though a messy facial with a mediocre simpleton will have you questioning your recent decisions. Come September, as Jupiter moves into your rising sun, you’ll be content with a local fuck buddy. Just remember your arrangement, and don’t go coco-loco throwing cutlery, if you’re not the only one he’s riding.
Virgo
Love looks set to sparkle this year for Virgos; even if it is just a glistening cock ring. If you’re in a relationship, Valentines will see a totes romantic gesture that’s certainly more exiting than the love making that follows. Singletons have the opportunity to meet the perfect partner reaching for an eggplant in your local supermarket. Jupiter suggests you remove negative people and thrusty queens from your social media. While you’re usually a logical sign, take extra precaution in August, when your man’s foot fetish spirals out of control. You’ll end the year with a new outlook on love, boundaries and anal beads.
Libra
2016 brings a change in the way of love for you Libra. After a rocky last relationship, you’re ready to have fun; experiment with new lovers, live out your fantasies, and maybe even catch a few STIs. Be cautious of unstable hoes looking to wreak havoc in your life in late February. An eye-watering dick pic in June could lead to violent donkey punch. But come September, a handsome otter you meet at a fetish party could bring some stability in your love life, even though he has a reputation. In the later months there could be some friction; always use lube.
Scorpio
You ain’t wasting no time, girl. From the start of the year, your Grindr is ringing like Beyoncé’s alarm. Take the year – and a youthful chicken – in your stride, you really get into this dominant role. Don’t be too quick to shower the twink in gifts though, as he’s broke. This year, Scorpios are able to be more open about their feelings; so in March don’t be afraid to tell him he has an ugly sex face. Singles will snag a crush they’ve been chasing for a while, though a sex tape won’t be as horny as you thought. (Know your angles, boo). Be wary of scaring men away in September by being too pushy, needy or drunk. Lucky Venus suggests you swallow.
Sagittarius
This year, work can prevent you from investing in anything long-term. Which although is fine by you, look out for an impotent fumble in February. Spring starts off a little slow, but an accidental bukaki in a dark room reignites your lust for anonymous sex. Couples should keep love alive by dirty talking, compliments and sex in a Jacuzzi around early June. Role play could lead to a break-up. Single slags will experience dry spells from August, before someone crucial enters your love life – and sphincter – towards the end of the year. You’ll be seeing stars, but that might be because he pounded you against the headboard.
Capricorn
While Capricorns are open to love this year, it’s a blast from the past that rears their bulbous bell-end in late January. You remain a social butterfly, with a handful of lackluster sexual experiences until summer, when you’ll experience a new type of obsessive lust. Ditching your friends for wild passion with fiery Spaniard leaves you making amends when he dumps you. Couples also experience a hitch in the bedroom when a sexual adventure goes awry. In November, you’re sultry, seductive and slurpy – working with lucky Jupiter energy means that you’ll narrowly avoid an STI.
[Images: Michael Sanderson]
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