I entered high school utterly unaware that same-sex desire exists. Gay people were simply not mentioned, ever, in class, by parents, on TV.
I knew about swishes, boys who like girly things, but I never for a moment imagined that boys might desire each other, form romantic relationships, have sex.
In spite of all my crushes, romantic relationships, sexual experiences, and about a thousand hint and signals. Here are 20 steps on my road to "figuring it out."
(All models are over 18.)
10th Grade
1.
Soon after I enter high school, Warren, the head of my lunch table clique, warns me not to go out with guys at night, without girls along, or people will think I'm a swish.
But swishes hang out with girls. Why would it be suspicious to hang out with a guy?
2.
The coach offers me a job as an athletic trainer. I had to measure the jocks for uniforms, including cup sizes, massage them, and pass out towels as they walked naked toward the showers. Best job in the world! Why does the coach think I would be particularly interested?
3.
Trying to convince me to go to work in the factory after I graduated, Dad takes me on a tour, including the locker room where sweaty factory workers showered and changed clothes. Why does he think that he sight of naked men would dissuade me from my college plans?
4.
At music camp, I share a room with Todd, a cute Lebanese boy. I have a full-fledged sexual experience, although I didn't interpret it that way at the time.
11th Grade
5.
I see my first real-life swish, a witness at a trial my political science class observed at the court house. I discover that "swishes" date each other, and presumably have sex. But what could they possibly do in bed? Who would be the boy, and who would be the girl?
6.
I catch Cousin Joe with a girl, and accidentally claim that I've "given BJs" to lots of girls. They tell me that boys don't give them, they get them. Unless, of course, they're swishes.
Now I know that gay people exist, date each other, have sex with each other. But they're frilly, feminine swishes, nothing like me at all.
7.
While I'm sick, I remember a comic book from my childhood about an Island in the Sky where Greek gods live together. We look everywhere for it, but it's missing.
8.
I begin dating Verne, the Preacher's Son. Double-dating, actually: there's always a girl. We envision a future together as preachers in adjacent churches, being "best friends." But why do we need wives? Why can't it just be two "best friends" together?
9.
My friend Aaron, the Rabbi's Son, tries to outdo me in homophobia. We both have "best friends," but we don't interpret them as romantic partners.
12th Grade
10.
Our new preacher discovers homa-sekshuls, and blames every social problem and natural disaster on them. Although I am homophobic, I can't believe that gay people are responsible for everything wrong with the world.
11.
I have another sexual experience, with Tyrone after the Harvest Dance. But he has a girlfriend. Why can't it be two guys together?
12.
At Christmastime, I kiss Brian under the mistletoe, then ask for his phone number. He doesn't call. I think "no way am I a swish!"
13.
Aaron and I go to Leonard Bernstein's Mass, and I write a poem, "We live in masks."
14.
Everybody seems to know. Even my friend Craig invites me to a graduation party, and stresses that there will be mattresses downstairs, in case I want to "get down with...um...anybody." No way am I a swish!
15.
I lose it at the movies. During the summer after graduation, I see Grease, with John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. The movie itself isn't exceptional, but the theme song is:
The adults are lying, only real is real.We stop the fight right now, we got to be what we feel.
I'm probably the only person in history to start sobbing uncontrollably in the theater during Grease.
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