4.
The moment when things start to get serious, which always comes, and always involves Robert Conrad.
Listen: You get a bunch of 1970s actors in one place and tell them to compete, at first they will act like it’s all a lark. But eventually the heatstroke, cocaine, and hubris will combine and they will go to the dark place, the place where each one is out for him or herself, the place where they must win at any cost. This clip, from a 1976 edition of Battle of the Network Stars, illustrates the moment perfectly. Enjoy the casual anti-Semitism and the Carmen Sandiego–esque photographer who video-bombs at 2:14.
The video you just watched is endlessly rich and rewarding. I love that the combatants are being interviewed by a post-medals, pre–Can’t Stop the Music, way pre–Kris Kardashian Bruce Jenner. I love the hardcore-porn music running under the replay. I love that Gabe Kaplan looks like a perfect blend of Richard Simmons and Leon Redbone. I love that everyone’s jerseys have their first names on them, like they’re Mouseketeers. I love how Robert Conrad finds a way to be self-aggrandizing in defeat. I love that everyone is smoking. I think this is the freedom Stephen Dorff is trying to get us to take back in those Blu E-Cigarette commercials. I could watch this video all day long. Let’s.
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