From: Give Me Gay Porn
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Vodka. It’s my tipple of choice, the best wing man I could ever need when I want to get laid and the only friend who’s never left me.
But recently I've noticed that every bar I go to is suffering it’s liquor shelves bowing under the weight of yet another novelty-flavor-infused-vodka. After gamely trying a few of the more preposterous varieties, I can’t help but think these flavors were brought about by a blind-reliance on mismanaged focus groups; namely a bunch of free loaders who simply turned up to get drunk on the free wine. If their slurred ramblings got to market then I might just get my ideas brought to life- here’s three real flavors I tried, rejected & improved upon:
Absolut Pears- Tastes like a dead man just spunked on my tongue.
My solution:
Absolut Ass- Inspired by JD Pheonix’s world-famous buns, this vodka has been filtered through rubber five times and suffused by delicate gold-flakes that you won’t taste, but at the back of your mind you’ll know they’re there.
Smirnoff Marshmallow- A ploddingly obvious, predictably saccharin sweet concoction that shares the soul of mechanically recovered meat.
My solution:
Smirnoff Whore- A medley of flavors you can’t quite put your finger on. This liquor has been around the block and absorbed a few experiences along the way. Proud of a taste that straddles adventure & danger, one in every ten bottles will give you a urinary tract infection.
Stolli Honey- These bees obviously fed off flowers from a serial killers back garden to produce something this foul.
My solution:
Stolli Cummy- As white as a bedspread at a budget hotel & as thick as the hollandaise sauce they spread across your breakfast eggs. Best served warm, this fragrant shot seems like a good idea at the time, but you’re soon regretting it as the buzz wears off and you’re left with it’s unmistakable tang coating the back of your throat.
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