A GAY DOG
It was not easy to secure this interview with the dog who turned gay after witnessing a Czech Hunter shoot. The studio was extremely evasive when we reached out to them. After multiple phone calls harassing them for information, they eventually caved in and passed over some contact information from the dog’s model release form.
The dog, who specifically asked that we not print his first name, revealed what it was like coming to terms with his sexuality. We discussed his feelings on the bear community, the state of the doggie marriage equality movement and his first experience licking another dog’s penis. He was sort of a bitch at points, which is funny, because he’s not actually a bitch.
Last week, we noticed a weird-looking (yet also adorable) dog in a scene from gay porn site Czech Hunter. We reached out to the European website, desperate for more information. Although they weren't initially very helpful, our persistence paid off when they passed on the dog’s phone number, which they had from a release he signed to appear in the scene.
We just wanted to ask him some simple questions about being a dog on a gay porn scene, but lo and behold, we found out that he’s playing for the canine equivalent of our team. Naturally, we decided to embrace our inner journalists and ask him a few questions about his experiences as a gay dog in modern society.
Hi, gay dog! I suppose we should start with the important question. When did you first realize you were gay?
I was walking through a park with my human one day, and he just disappeared out of nowhere! It was a little scary at first, but then I chased a squirrel and forgot that I was scared. Something smelled good, so I sniffed around and found some other humans! That was when it all began…
Oh? Tell us more!
Well, you see, I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I just followed the humans for a bit. One of them pulled a big piece of pink sausage out of his pants, and I got really excited that he was going to feed me! Unfortunately, the other human put it in his mouth… But then I got really confused because he wasn't chewing on it! Why would you put a sausage in your mouth if you’re not going to chew on it!?!?
How long did it take for you to realize it wasn't a sausage?
Not too long! I have a really good nose, and in case you didn’t notice, I also have a penis. Watching this human get his penis licked reminded me of a time I was with my friend Rex. We were wrestling, and I started sniffing his butt. I went to go lick his penis to clean it, but then I got kind of aroused and started humping him. My human got all worked up and separated us, apologizing to the other human and repeatedly saying to him, “My dog isn't gay! He’s never done that before.” I didn’t understand what he meant back then, but now I do.
Was it a shock to come to terms with your sexuality?
Sure! Isn't it for everyone? I’m not one of those dogs who prances around in pink ribbons, barks with a lisp and keeps his paws limp when he’s shaking hands. I like things like catching Frisbees in my mouth and wrestling, chewing on bones and eating meat that falls on the floor. I guess I’m what you humans would call STR8-acting.
I suppose that is a term some humans use! Speaking of which… Do you ever get offended that gay bear culture has appropriated your language?
I’m not sure I understand the question. I didn’t realize there were gay bears too, but I guess that makes sense if there are gay dogs. What does it mean to appropriate something?
Oh gosh, I should have clarified! “Bear” is a term some furry, thickly-built humans use to describe themselves. They like to say “woof” to one another, and…
Are you fucking kidding me? That is dumb. Bears do not say “woof”. That is something dogs say, so these humans should start calling themselves “dogs” or shut the fuck up. You don’t see me running around saying “chirp” to other gay dogs, right? And you know why? Because it’s fucking dumb.
Yikes! I didn’t mean to make you so upset. Let’s talk about something happier. Are you dating anyone at the moment?
I’m not a one dog kind of dog, to be perfectly honest! I’ve got my whole life to be tied down in a relationship, and right now, I just wanna have fun while I’m young, athletic and not too tired and old to hump other gay dogs.
Surely, you must want to get married some day? What if you never meet the right dog?
Are you even thinking about what you’re asking me? The doggy marriage equality movement has yet to really take off, and furthermore, I think it’s offensive that you’d think I need to settle down. I’m a good-looking dog at 29 years-old*, and I’m still getting plenty of young pups who want to hump. I’ll be getting tail like that until I die. Trust me.
* EDITOR’S NOTE: That’s four years in human years.
I didn’t mean it like that, silly! So I don’t want to keep you for too long, but have you come out to your parents yet?
I have never met my parents. I was adopted.
Oh, er, again, I didn’t mean to bring up such a sore subject. Is there anything else you want to say on behalf of all the other gay dogs out there, or to any gay dogs who might be reading this?