There are no fashion rules. You can wear whatever you want, and sometimes you’ll look like a mess. You want to wear a disgusting pair of distressed jeans with embellished back pockets? You go right ahead. Not your thing? Well, how ‘bout just completely emblazoning a logo all over yourself from head-to-toe.
Maybe you like ill-fitting, boot cut pants because they make you feel like you work as hard as someone who wasn't born only 20 years ago, and who works on a farm and probably has sex with his wife? Straight acting staples (STS) is what I call those. I also think that visor some of you are still wearing looks absolutely disgusting, but if it makes you feel sporty, then sure, go for it, girl! You’re all keeping someone in business, and, well, everyone for a stronger economy!
Despite what I think about some of these choices, there really aren't any rules. They are clothes, and you put them on. Sometimes they look great, and sometimes you look like the absolute worst person. It’s a crapshoot. But usually the outfits that look like the latter are left inside the dressing room. As we all know, this is very frequently not the case. My rule of thumb is this: clothing should fit, even if it is daring or boring. That’s all. And also, “90s tweaker” on anyone, both young and old, is always a bad look.
As someone who has attended gay functions with gay men, there are recurring patterns of dress that I find a little puzzling. Let’s call it homo-genization. ‘Cause, really, that’s exactly what it is.
BRAND WHORING
A logo is fine. One. You may have one logo. Owning a Nasty Pig Hat, a Nasty Pig t-shirt, Nasty Pig pants and a Nasty Pig jock is fine. However, there is absolutely no reason you should be wearing all of these in one night. You don’t look very creative, and it looks like you do all of your shopping on the Internet on gear websites. Branded fetish swag isn't timeless.
Make an investment in your clothes. Sometimes a black t-shirt is really slimming and doesn't need to have anything on it. And before you tell me that this way of shopping is cheaper, these pants are $159 (and really ugly), whereas I have purchased really nice, perfectly-fitting jeans from TopMan for 11 dollars on clearance.
FITTED TEASE
If you only own fitted tees, why do you own all of the bad ones? There are literally a million t-shirt designers out there, and somehow you have a collection of pieces that probably seemed clever in the early noughties, but now just make you look like the most boring, unfunny dad.
When in doubt, wear something fun that doesn't feature a proposition that says equivalent of “please gang-fuck me in the mouth”. Like, if that is how hard you plan to work for sex, then you are not only so lazy and cocky, but you are also a bad dresser. Use your words to show you have wit, not your super-tight muscle tee that says “You Lift?” Ugh.
PANTS PARTY
Sometimes you want your bulge to show, and that’s okay. I love that. But sometimes you want something a little more relaxed. I will say one thing: finding perfect jeans is insanely difficult. No two cuts are the same, and it can seem like forever until you've found the right pair.
But there are some obvious things that you should stop doing because they are so, so, so, so gnarly. Cosmetic grommets? Not a thing. Like, please do not have those on your pants. Leather lace-up sides? No. Not a thing. Animal iconography that’s been embroidered on back pockets, or front pockets? Can you even actually see? Zippers on the knee that convert your pants into shorts in the summer? I mean, I can understand the utilitarian appeal, but these are always shapeless.
Wash and fit is all you should be looking for with a great pair of jeans. I am using jeans as an example, because there’s a good chance that most of us wear jeans to bars. Please start looking harder. You may think that the v-cut pockets on your butt make it look firmer and more kissable, but you actually just look like a tool with bad taste.
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