Triad; Threesome; Polyamorous relationship: Whatever you wish to call it, real-life examples of three men living and sleeping with one another in committed relationships remain pretty rare.
Although many people may have dabbled with sex with more than one person at the same time, actually committing one’s self to two others is considered far from the norm.
However, it’s that concept of ‘the norm’ that soon gets turned on its head when you meet Louis, David and Sam.
The three men (who have asked to not use their surnames) have been in a committed three-way relationship for the past year.
I ring the buzzer of their apartment in North London with some apprehension. I’ve interviewed many gay couples in the past but this is my first ‘thruple’ (as Sam refers to them). I wanted to ask some pretty personal questions: Would they be shy? Would they get offended?
I needn’t have worried. Sat side-by-side on a sofa – relaxed, jovial and talkative – they immediately put me at ease. They also laugh. A lot. Transcribing my interview afterwards was a challenge in picking out the words through the guffaws and gentle ribbing of each other.
‘When people think of threesomes,’ said Sam, playing with Brusky, their Chocolate Labrador, ‘they immediately think raunchiness and sex. Then they meet us and spend time with us and quickly say, “This all seems really normal”.’
It’s true. I very quickly regard them as one unit, in the same way I might view a couple as their own, distinct entity: Individuals, yet bonded.
David, 54, and Louis, 47, have been together for seven years. Louis heralds from Hong Kong but had been living in the UK. He’d been due to return to Asia, but those plans changed when he met David – originally from Israel.
They quickly moved in with one another and threw themselves into building a life together in London.
Around a year ago, they mutually decided that they would look around for a third person.
‘We came to a bit of a hold in our relationship,’ says David. They were still committed to one another and were planning on marrying, but they decided to entertain the idea of allowing someone else to join them. Whether this was a semi-regular ‘friend with benefits’ or something more was undecided.
‘We’d been monogamous. And then we started looking for other encounters,’ says Louis.
They experimented with threesomes, but, says David, ‘something was missing. It wasn’t really working for me.’
Then they met Sam, aged 28. It was at London bears night, Brut. They gave Sam a ride home that night and arranged to meet up again a week later. It was Sam’s first experience of a threesome – and they all immediately hit it off.
They very quickly fell into hanging out with one another.
‘It was very much like dating,’ says Sam, reflecting on those early days. ‘I wasn’t looking for a couple. It was the last thing I wanted. I wanted a monogamous relationship. That’s all I ever wanted, really.’
David and Louis say that finding Sam was a surprise. Not only was he younger than they were planning (‘We thought we’d find a guy in his 40s – but you don’t choose who you get along with,’ says David), he was also not shy of staking his own space in an established relationship.
‘I made it clear very soon, it was all or nothing,’ says Sam, signaling he wasn’t willing to take a ‘junior’ role and was not looking to be just ‘fuck buddies’.
‘I gave them that choice and they chose,’ says Sam.
Fortunately, they all wanted the same thing; to be together; Sam duly moved in within four weeks.
The first few weeks were marked by uncertainties and insecurities
Despite a shared aim, the early months were far from plain sailing.
‘It was very messy,’ emphasizes Louis. ‘There’s a lot of jealousy and a lot of having to adjust. Everyone’s looking out to see if they’re missing out on attention or affection. There were a lot of arguments in the early days.
‘It was,’ he chuckles, ‘a bit of a mind-fuck!’
This is where it sounds a little different from a more conventional relationship – which can begin with a honeymoon period and evolve into rows and bickering. The three of them say that the first few weeks were marked by uncertainties and insecurities, often leading to outbursts of emotion.
‘We had to quickly adapt a whole new, very different dynamic,’ says Louis of his relationship with David.
‘And then we both had to work out our relationships with Sam,’ adds David. ‘Testing each others boundaries, working out someone’s limits, it’s all part of being in a new relationship with someone, but it’s more intense and complicated when there are three of you.’
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