From: Badwolf Blog
It’s about time we started branching out here a little bit and talked to some other people about what kinda dicks they like. It’s easy to sit here in the echo chamber of my masturbatorium (the spare bedroom in my apt that was too small to fit an actual bed and so doubles as my office), and yell about all the things I like to see and do. But there’s a whole world out there of fascinating weirdos who see and do different shit and I’m lucky to get to know them a little bit.
So welcome to A Conversation With. It’s going to be like an interview, but without the rote Q & A formula so many blogs and sites do. If we’ve ever spoken in person, you know my brain goes more quickly than normal conversation really allows, so it’s tough for me to do a good Barbra Walters impresh and stick to prearranged questions asked slowly and methodically. I’m more prone to jump around, ask questions about things my guests have said, and frequently derail the conversation entirely by bringing up penis-related stuff we weren’t actually talking about. Luckily for me, people like seeing me naked, so that’s how I usually trick them into having these sorts of hyper-sexual ADD talks about all the things we get off on. Let’s see how it goes:
Way the fuck back at the beginning of September, I had a chance to meet up with Suckboy Roy on his annual pilgrimage to NYC and he was generous enough to sit and talk with me about what he does and what he’s into. If you don’t know Roy, that’s probably my fault for not sharing his videos more often. This dude is easily the most masterful cocksucker I’ve ever had the pleasure to know, and his continued existence is a great argument for making cocksucker a term of endearment, instead of the nonsense slight it currently lives as. He’s also just kind of a cool guy to know, even when his mouth isn’t on your penis:
Roy. I’m so glad to talk to you about your stuff. Your XTube channel – epic – a ton of information, and a lot of videos of you sucking monster dongs. Out of that, how old were you when you decided that a penis should go in your mouth?
There was, on my XTube page, a blog post where I sort of go into how I started. Which was sort of a long-ish story. Unfortunately, XTube recently deleted it from my profile when they redesigned their site. It’s no secret, but it’s essentially, I was 11 and it involves my brothers. And it’s also like, you had asked some question about “some of the stuff on my tumblr isn’t exclusively dick sucking stuff” and so some of the other stuff I get into, like there is incestuous overtones, some age play. There’s the coach and the athlete, the teacher student…
So basically Handjobs Magazine. Is what you’re describing.
Oh! Josman! Josman! I worship at the feet of Josman. I could fill just reams of paper with fantasies that his stories have generated in my youthful and now, not quite as youthful, imagination.
Handjobs was a big deal for me as a young person. And that kind of leads to my next question which might be included in your blog, so if it is just tell me. But where, for you, did the idea came from? Because I can remember being a child, being a kid and thinking “why would I put it in my mouth? I WANNA put it in my mouth, but there’s no rational reason!” until I saw a porn or something and that was what was happening. So where, the first time, did that idea come from?
I had done some ‘self exploration,’ of course, and I tended to check out a lot of stuff on human sexuality from the public library. And in one book, there was some survey along the lines of “what’s normal?” I was sort of curious, and I’m looking through this survey and included in it are acts that I either wasn’t sure what they were, or was thinking “wait – that’s a THING?”
Somewhere in there I came across autofellatio and I was like “Wooooooooow…” and a challenge was born! Eventually I got limber enough that I could do it! What I had to do was lay on my bed and kick my legs over my head. I had a headboard that had bars that I could lock my feet into, and so, inch by inch, I would get a little bit closer. And over time, I finally got where I could lick the tip, you know. I kept going to the point where I got about an inch and a half …
That’s amazing!
…in my mouth and I’m not especially hung, but I was very trim and very limber at the time. Because I was able to brace my feet, I was also sort of able to thrust into my mouth and I remember the first time I got to the point where I was about to cum, and thought “Oh god, do I… do I? Or do I not?!” And in a split second you need to decide…
I mean, I don’t. Need to decide. But I get it.
…And I decided to go for it. And I got what felt like just this monster load in my mouth!
And how old were you?
Probably 11? 12?
So same, general age as your first time. It was a busy summer, generally, for you.
It was. It was. I remember cumming and there was some sort of just mind-blowing thing about the idea that “I’m giving pleasure to my penis, my penis is shooting into my own mouth,” it just… it was soooo erotic.
It’s one of my favorite things to watch. Guys who really seem like they like doing that to themselves. That’s… pretty great. That’s pretty great.
One of the first amateur videos that I bought was this one guy, and I bought a couple of his homemade tapes. One was called “Self Sufficient” and the other was like “Because He Can.“
Yeah. Yeah. Like Everest.
Yeah. I think I’ve got some autofellatio on my tumblr as well.
Yeah there was. There was one guy I recognized as I was scrolling through, I thought “Ohh, I know THATguy!” That guy just makes XTube videos where he cums all in his mouth. Just big, messy loads. He does this thing where you’re sitting there going “is he cumming?! What’s happening!” and then his cum will just pour out of his mouth and down his dick. It makes me so happy.
There’s part of that I like, and part of that I don’t. Part of it is the cum-lover in me that’s thinking “oh, that’s such a waste.”
Talk about that a little bit. I don’t have the same relationship with cum that you do. I love it. I think it’s great. There’s never been a time where I was like “ewww!” I’m not one of those guys at all. But I have a thing in my brain that just says “that shouldn’t go IN me.” I’m fine with it! Like cum alllll over me! I’ll go to the Jacks and just have people unload all over me and just wear that home. I love it. But don’t cum in my mouth. I don’t want that. I don’t know why that’s my line, but I think it has something to do with sexual health or safety or something? In my head? It might not even be accurate, but it’s in there.
It’s interesting, because my interest in jizz is very ‘in the moment.’ It’s very in the moment. I will generally not lick it off someone if it has started cooling too much. If it’s not warm and fresh from the spigot, I get grossed out by it.
[Laughing] That is so strange to me! And that’s not a judgment on you at all, that’s just very peculiar!
I recognize how strange it is! I see videos of guys cumming on food and eating it and personally I don’t find that erotic at all. I don’t get it! For me, I need it straight from the tap.
Describe the word “need” in that context. What is the feeling like?
It’s… being… a receptacle for that explosion. There’s something about being a receptacle, for that very special moment. That very special explosion. Because I think there are few more intimate moments between two people. I love the sensation. I love the feeling of it blasting, if the guy is a real shooter. I love the feel of it oozing onto my tongue if he’s more of a dribbler. I love feeling the consistency, if it’s thin or thick. I personally love thick loads. There are recipes online for beefing up the consistency of your loads. I have several of those supplements at home.
How connected is it to the other person, for you? Does it feel like an independent thing? Or is it kind of about them, too?
It’s definitely about them, although there is part of the whole act that – although I’m connected with the person – there’s also an aspect that is just total objectification of the cock. What this is I’m worshiping.
So it’s more about the idea of Penis, than it is about that particular one.
It can be both. But it is less that it is HIS cock, it is THIS cock. If that makes sense.
It does. Yeah. What do you love in a Penis?
I find veiny penises very attractive. Huge cock heads I find very appealing. Huge mushroom sort of cock heads. As I’ve gotten older, the breadth of what I find erotic or attractive has really gotten broader. I remember being in my first year of college and I liked ‘this’ and now I like ‘THIIIIIIS’.
I think that’s how it should be! You should start wider, but not everybody does and that’s fine. But as you learn about other stuff…
I was just this innocent little twink in early college and I used to think facial hair was such a turn off. And a guy had to be smooth and that was what I found attractive. And that is what most twinks find attractive: other twinks.
But I think that’s a maturity thing! I think everybody kind of goes through a period where what they find attractive is themselves. I suspect a lot of gay men have a very poor ability to escape that sometimes. And they carry into adulthood, that same attraction to themselves.
Yeah. Yeah. In the bear community – I don’t want to generalize,- but to a large extent, bears look for other bears. If I’m logged into Bear411 for instance, the guys who usually find me attractive, are bears. Generally speaking, I’m not attracted TO bears. I tend to be more into otter-ish sort of guys. Which is not to say that either of those are exclusive groups. But I think there’s an assumption on a lot of bears’ part that your being size-ist or type-ist, if you’re not a reciprocal bear lover or something. And I’m not anti-bear, but your dick likes what your dick likes! You know?
“The penis wants what it wants,” is what I’ve always said.
“The penis wants what it wants!” Thank you! I’m going to have that etched above my door frame or something.
I believe you should pay attention to that. Be mindful of what your brain is doing, too. But pay attention to what your penis wants. That’s fine. My thought on the bear thing – that you see them looking primarily for other bears – is there a possibility that it’s out of some kind of fear of rejection or maybe a history of other groups not finding them appealing? A self-limiting thing to avoid people saying “oh, no, thank you” to them.
Maybe. You may have something there.
I have an Asian friend with whom I’ve talked extensively about the way people talk about Asian men on grindr and scruff and growlr. Where people have no hesitation about putting into their profiles “no asian lol!” And so he just doesn’t participate in those things because he doesn’t want to encounter that sort of thing. It’s not that he necessarily is looking to date or fuck another Asian guy, it’s more that when he comes into these forums where people are comfortable saying that, he doesn’t respond well. So maybe there is some of that with bears as well. It’s just easier to advertise toward your own group.
Yeah. Yeah. I think you may have something. I have even started – and sometimes I kick myself for needing to do this – I will write in an email to someone who has agreed to a session, who is a big fan of my videos and everything, but has not met me in person yet, a disclaimer of sorts. Saying that what someone has seen on terms of XTube in terms of the pics and the videos, you may not be able to tell, but I’m a bigger, bear-ish guy and when I open the door, I don’t want you expecting a twink or something. And ordinary, people are like “lol!” or “no worries,” or whatever.
But here’s the reason I do that: On four different occasions, I have opened the door and had a guy go “yeah, this isn’t gonna work. You look nothing like your pics.” And they’ve watched my videos! I don’t pretend to be anything that I’m not!
That sounds very difficult. What did that feel like?
It’s very difficult. And it’s very hard not to own it. I’m someone who has dealt for many years with depression and so even if I have all of these really awesome comments from people, and know that I’m doing things that people are really, really enjoying, I can get one negative response and that’s what gets blown up in my head and sticks with me.
What about sexual health and protection with what you do? Any nervousness about dealing with poz guys?
I can’t remember if it’s in my XTube profile now or not, but I do mention that “although I’m negative, I’m not poz-phobic.” There was, a couple years back, in my profile on maybe Adam4Adam, “clean, drug and disease-free,” and there was a poz guy who just threw this litany of expletives at me via email saying that the implication I was making was that someone who was positive was ‘dirty.’ And of course, that isn’t how I meant it at all.
I’d like to hear about what you masturbate to when you’re just by yourself. I love asking porn performers this question because it’s always so weird. It’s never “oh, I love to watch MY own videos and all my friends’ videos, and it’s so hot!” because people think that’s the world they live in and it just isn’t. So I’m always curious what ‘in the dark at 1am grinding on yourself’ videos you’re watching?
I have to say the ‘Blackballed‘ series is..
I know that name, but I don’t know what the thing is.
It always ends up one white guy and, in some situation where the rest of the cast is black and the white guy is servicing…
It ends up being like a bukkake thing where he’s in the middle and they’re all cumming on him…
He’s made to service all of them. And of course there’s anal in there too, which I usually fast forward through.
So what’s the visceral pull there for you? Is it you imagining yourself in that role?
Kind of. Yeah. I mean, I love interracial porn, just in general. What I really get off on is the contrast. Being a white, pale, redheaded guy, for me I just love darker skin. Like the darker the more beautiful it is to me. And I’ve always thought it must be some kind of attraction to the contrast.
I never, when I talk about this stuff with people, I never want to present it in any kind of shaming way, because I don’t know that people totally understand what’s going on there. I don’t think people put any sort of thought into what’s going on there. I think I might be the only person who really overthinks this shit about what I’m jackin it to. I’ll cum to something and immediately think “whyyyyyy did I just wanna bust to that? What on earth is the attraction here? Let’s pick that apart!” And I’ll do it! I’ll sit there and do it.
Sometimes I’ll email the guy if it’s an amateur, XTube thing and we’ll have a conversation about it – they’ve made a video that really just worked for me for some reason – and I’m glad to be able to interact with that person. To get to say “why did you DO this?” like I was really into it – I loved it – but what? Why? What was going on on your Friday night that you just had a pack of Marlboro reds and you put on a dog mask and sat there and smoked through your dog mask and hit your balls with a hammer? What was going on in your life that you wanted to do this? So I’m very guilty of picking things apart. Like I said, I’ve been thinking about Handjobs since I’m 11 years old, probably. The first time I ever came across that publication.
Uh huh. That… was such… a… [groans]
Yeah. Those are the noises. Yep. [laughs]
I can’t think of any other publication that… that…
No that’s why it was so sad to see it go down. I really thought it was just technical mishandling of things? I think they knew how to do one thing and that was to make a print publication and when people didn’t want to go to adult bookstores because they didn’t really exist anymore, they couldn’t survive. You know? The internet exists and they didn’t make the jump well. And it sucks because I’ve never talked to somebody about that – who knew what it was – everybody’s reaction is just our reaction to it. It was significant in a way that was almost embarrassing to some people.
It was one of the first actual pieces of porn that was my go-to. This section of this copy, and this section in there, and oh, yeah, that story. And this Josman illustration, and this one over here…
There was so much narrative in those illustrations too. The illustrations told as much story as the stupid words did.
No kidding.
That was art. It was absolutely art, on par with – as time goes by – Tom of Finland.
I’m surprised there hasn’t been an anthology just dedicated to Josman.
There’s not a ton of organization or well-organized information about most of the illustrators from that magazine. There isn’t really somebody doing that work. ToF has the publications that it has because there’s a foundation that does the work. Those books don’t just come about. They have to be curated by somebody.
Is Josman still…
I don’t know! This is what I mean! Anyway. Back to questions: What do you think about when you see somebody’s penis for the first time? It was Mens Day at the Russian Baths yesterday and you can just be naked there. They give you flip flops and a towel and you can just be naked there. It’s great. So that’s what I was thinking about when I wrote these questions.
I often wonder if he’s a ‘grower’ or a ‘shower.’ Some penises in repose are quite beautiful. Some are just very aesthetically pleasing. I do like to look. I’m fascinated by proportion too. Whether it’s proportional to their body. I’ve seen guys who are like 5’8″ with like nine or ten inches!
I just left a guy like that at lunch!
I’m amazed that they don’t just fall over! No. But you know, on their frames they don’t look 9 or ten inches. They look huge.
Is oral sex “SEX” in your understanding? Or does it live in its own kind of bubble for you?
Give me a little context for calling something “SEX?”
Like. If you’ve sucked somebody’s dick, did you have SEX with them? What is the definition for you?
For me, personally, yes.
Ok.
There are some married guys for whom, I can be an outlet. This is something that their partner isn’t into or doesn’t want to do. And in those cases, they may not consider it sex. Or maybe they do. That’s the only sort of question that’s going through my head; would THEY consider it sex. But I do. As I said, I think it’s one of the most intimate things.
It’s interesting though. The intimacy – I don’t know if it works in both directions for oral sex. Like I can be completely checked out while somebody is sucking my dick. It is not about that person. I’m not even interested in that person. It’s not a particularly intimate thing for me. But when I’m DOING it, completely the opposite.
I can see that.
That’s why I like masturbation so much. Plus I like being in somebody’s face. There’s a divorce in how well we can stay connected when your head is down here. But when you’re face is in my face and we’re jacking off… that’s…Rrrrr! I like that a lot!
That’s how Roy and I spent our afternoon. When you bold all the parts where I’m talking it really seems like I was dominating the whole conversation. I’ll have to work on that for next time.
You can check out Roy’s XTube channel here, and you should definitely follow him on twitter and tumblr. If you ever spot him traveling to your town, I highly recommend sending him a message and getting to know him a bit better.
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