“The Big Gay Musical” Creator Dead After Publishing Suicide Note On Facebook

"I am finding peace."

From: NewNowNext

Gay filmmaker Fred M. Caruso, writer, producer, and co-director of the camp cult classic The Big Gay Musical, took his own life this week and notified fans in a suicide note that was scheduled to publish after his death on Facebook.

“I have some good news — I will no longer be sending out BERNIE shit,” the note read. “Its not because I support hiLIARy — its because I’m no longer alive. (yes I’ve been making bad jokes for 41 yrs and I intend to end things the way it began.)”

In the note, Caruso discussed feeling suicidal for a while and revealed he’d attempted suicide a week before by taking 30 Ambien pills.

The Washington Post notes Caruso’s body of work includes the LGBT films Go Go Crazy, A Four Letter Word, and the off-Broadway musical Newsical.

He was most widely known for The Big Gay Musical, a film about “two gay actors starring in a (fictional) off-Broadway musical titled “Adam and Steve Just the Way God Made ‘Em” while struggling with questions of sexuality, faith, family and dating.”

When the film came out in 2009, Caruso told The Advocate: “So many gay people have been screwed up by religion, but gay shows and movies about religion always end up being so depressing. I wanted to create a show with a positive message about being gay and religion that was funny, campy, and crazy.”

Wrote Caruso:

“Those of you that know me well, know that I have been dealing with ending things for a while. LIKE many years. For my most of my life I have been absolutely miserable – exact for when I was creating. I have nothing left in me to create. I truly don’t think I have any idea what love or happiness is. I have been incredibly lonely and at the same time – I hate being around people. I hate meeting new people and I’m always waiting for someone to stab me in the back – lets just say I already have a whole culinary collection.

…

I also want to be clear – that I have tried to deal with this. I have moved all over the country doing all different jobs. I had 2 great jobs here in Las Vegas – with great people and decent money. And tho I loved work, I was miserable all the rest of the time. This is not anyones fault or was there anyone or anything that could have prevented this. Tho is there were strippers here I might have found a way to hang on a little longer.

“The purpose of this message is to make sure that there is no confusion or questions about what happened to me,” Caruso added, explaining that the note was scheduled on his film’s public page because Facebook does not allow personal pages to schedule posts to publish in advance.

Caruso wrote that he had a “great last couple days” treating himself to fancy dinners and luxury hotel suites.

“To all of you that have touched my life I thank you from the bottom of soul. I hope I have touched a few of yours,” he concluded. “I regret nothing especially the choice that I am making now. I have spent the last few days driving all over trying to find a different solution – I couldn’t.”

You can read Caruso’s full post below.