A Sausage Sighting is a glimpse of a guy's beneath-the-belt gifts that doesn't go anywhere else -- no dating, no romance, no hooking up, not even a few minutes in the dark room at the Duplex Bar in Paris.
Sometimes just looking is enough -- a good sausage sighting can be more memorable than a dozen nights of passion, especially when it's unexpected.
You can't count glimpses of strangers in the locker room or at the urinal, or actors getting excited during movie love scenes. It's only a valid Sausage Sighting if you know the guy, if he's a relative, friend, co-worker, or acquaintance. If you've at least had a conversation.
I'll use the same scale as in my Sausage List (the list of gigantic endowments belonging to guys I actually dated):
Bratwurst: memorable.
Kielbasa: super-sized.
Mortadella: the stuff of dreams.
Kovbasa: Are you kidding?
Childhood
1.
Cousin Joe.
When I was 7 1/2 years old, we stayed with my Aunt Nora, and I caught a glimpse of Cousin Joe's Kielbasa+ in the bathroom. It was the first I ever saw --many later ones were disappointingly small by comparison. Kovbasa, probably.
2.
The Sanderson Brothers,
a gospel group that worked as counselors at Nazarene summer camp. I got to see one of them relieving himself. Kielbasa.
3.
Brother Dino,
my Sunday school teacher, and also a counselor at Nazarene summer camp when I was in junior high. I saw him taking a shower. Easily a Mortadella.
4.
Verne,
the preacher's son. We "dated" in eleventh grade. We didn't identify the relationship as romantic, and nothing physical happened, but I did see him nude. Bratwurst.
College
5.
Jurgen,
the hipster poet from Augustana College. who I thought was gay until I met his girlfriend.
6.
Mark,
the Boss from Hell during my senior year in high school and freshman year at Augustana. We tricked him into running out of a urinal, where he had been reading Playboy and...you know. Kielbasa+.
7.
Mr. Kim,
a Korean immigrant, a surprisingly buffed muscle bear. When I was in college, he rented the the house next door with his family. He only stayed about six months before buying a house in Moline, but he gave me a memorable Sausage Sighting. Bratwurst.
8.
Jens,
a slim, blond chemistry major at Augustana. During my senior year, I joined the Baptist student union, and went on tour with them to perform at various churches. When we had to all bunk down for the night in the same room, I had the bed, and Jens had a sleeping bag right below me. He waited until the rest of us were asleep -- he thought. Bratwurst.
9.
Andrew,
the blond physics major from Indiana University who I saw during a heterosexual bonding activity known as a "circle jerk."
Texas
10.
Chad,
a soccer player from Australia who sat in my class in Hell-fer-Sartain, Texas. One day he came in late and stripped down to change clothes in my class. OK, this one was in a jock strap, but I still saw enough. Bratwurst+
California
11.
Brother Mike,
a Baptist preacher who sat on the plane next to me on the way to a job interview. Brother Mike was hot! When our plane landed, we both headed to the bathroom -- along with 20 other guys. We ended up standing side by side at the urinal. Bratwurst+
12.
Jake,
a contractor. My parents were having their kitchen remodeled one summer while I was visiting. From my chair in the living room, I got an excellent view of Jake's front side as he stood on his ladder, doing things with wiring. Except he didn't realize that his zipper was down -- and he was not wearing underwear. His Mortadella was fully visible for several minutes before he noticed and zipped up.
New York
13.
Huang,
a fellow sociology student from Taiwan, one of my roommates during my first year in New York. In 1998, at a conference in Montreal, I caught him in the act, and learned the truth about the Formosan penis. Kielbasa.
14.
Jason,
the most homophobic of the grad students in my class on Long Island. We tricked him into revealing his Kielbasa.
Florida
15.
Narveen,
a Sikh guy who joined Barney's gym in Florida. I tried to get a glimpse on several occasions, and finally he just let me take a peek. Amazing. Mortadella+.
Ohio
16.
More of a sausage "feeling." Azi, the Dutch Caribbean at the Horseman's Club in Amsterdam. I felt his gigantic kovbasa before going home with him and realizing that he was straight. He wanted me for his younger brother, Eli.
17.
Josh,
an exceptionally buffed but straight waiter who often took my orders at the Lone Star Barbecue. I saw him all the time at the gym, too. In the sauna. Kielbasa.
Upstate
18.
Dr. Chester,
a former professional wrestler who taught Sociology of Sports Upstate. There was a private bathroom for faculty and teaching assistants -- one stall and one urinal. One day I went in, and there he was, preparing to urinate. He must have wrapped his faculty member around his waist a few times, like a belt. Easily a Kovbasa.
19.
Richard,
the crazy bodybuilder downstairs when I lived in Upstate New York. My balcony consisted of rough boards with wide gaps; you could look through them directly onto the balcony of the apartment below. And one night... Kovbasa++++.
The Plains
20.
Tim,
a physics professor who stripped down next to me at the gym. Firm but small physique, but gigantic Kielbasa beneath the belt.
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