In case you live under a rock (with spotty Wi-Fi) and haven’t heard, June is Pride month. Like Dykes on Bikes, for many of us the idea of Pride and its associated events comes with a sidecar of mixed emotions. We’re here to walk you through it, from the first blush of awareness through the inevitable glitter-crusted hangover. No matter how down you may be on Pride, we guarantee you’ll be wrapped in a rainbow flag (and possibly strapped into hooker pumps) by the time you finish reading.
1.
Denial
For gay men, denial comes in as many varieties as Vitamin Water. Some of us deny that we are part of a community to begin with. Some of us deny that we have any need for “Pride” because the parades and parties have been taken over by the vodka companies and don’t serve any real purpose in today’s age of marriage equality and social networking. Some deny that a gaudy, shambling procession of amateur drag queens and party boys who are still tweaking from the night before does anyone any favors in terms of visibility. And some of us deny that our individual participation really matters, because that flotilla of go-go-boy-laden flatbeds is headed down 6th Avenue whether we’re there to see it or not.
But the thing is, Pride is about inclusion. Will the parade go belly-up without you? No, but that doesn't mean you should sit it out. We each contribute our own unique shade to this big, crazy rainbow, and Pride really wouldn't be the same without all of us. Eventually Pride gets its hooks into us, and we are tugged into…
2.
Bargaining
This could be bargaining with one’s self: “Okay, pal – I know you don’t have enough pride for an entire weekend, but let’s get our shit together for at least a tea dance, shall we?”
It could be bargaining with one’s friends: “I will agree to join you for the Drag Queen Bingo night if you let me bow out of the singalong of Burlesque. Please, please, please let me bow out of the singalong of Burlesque.”
It could be bargaining with one’s husband or boyfriend: “If you go with me to Chad’s pre-parade booze brunch, I promise to make you an egg-and-cheese in my underwear when we get home.”
Or it could be literally bargaining with a street vendor at the parade: “Throw in a few tiny flags and you can consider those sunglasses shaped like boobs SOLD.”
Once we've locked in our bargains it’s time to move along to…
3.
Grooming
After all, we wouldn't want to disappoint the public. Whether your idea of grooming is digging a rumpled pair of shorts out of the hamper and slapping on some sunscreen or doing a full-body wax, it’s important to take a moment to assess what image you want to bring to the streets and make some magic happen. Whatever your personal style may be, wear it with pride. (And seriously, don’t skip the sunscreen. It’s brutal out there!)
4.
Acceptance
Once you’ve made your shit look gorgeous, it’s time to jump into the crowd, throw your hands in the air, and try to enjoy yourself as you dodge the hard candies and Mardi Gras beads being thrown at you overhand by softball-primed lesbians. You clap for the gay dads. You clap for the gay kids. You clap for the gay elderly, because really. You even clap for the gay-vote-seeking politicians, despite the fact (or maybe because of it) that in recent years they seem to outnumber the aforementioned flatbeds filled with men in Speedos. You stand in the hot sun surrounded by thousands of supportive fellow citizens and you think, “You know, this is cheesy as all hell and I have to pee so bad I can taste it, but I’m really glad I came.”
5.
Glitter
It will take weeks to get it all off of you. You’ll be in a business meeting days after the big Pride dance party and Rob from Accounting will point out that you have a speck of glitter the size of a Scrabble tile on your forehead. It’s just a part of life, and we all cope in our own way.
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