My Life In Leather: Safety In The Playspace

From: Queer Click

One time he had me crawl on all fours on his hardwood floor as he did his chores for the afternoon so my aching knees would teach me humility and put me in my place. When we first met he explained to me that he had a partner and that they had an open relationship so I had to make sure I helped clean up after our play sessions (as every good sub should) so his partner didn't have to come home to a messy house. And over the course of a few months we had explored a few different things. Looking back, it was mild compared to some of the other things I've done but it was a great first hand experience.

Then one day he came over to my place. He said his partner was home on vacation from work so we couldn't use the house but he wanted to use me. And even though we had no formal relationship we did have an understanding that when he wanted me, I was to be available to him, which I found very hot. So we spent the afternoon in my tiny little studio apartment, sweating in the heat of a sweltering summer with no air conditioning. He tied me up and shaved my chest, pubes, cock and balls. He said that if I went to the gym and changed in the locker room everyone would know I was a kinky leatherboy and a pervert. Even the thought of that humiliation kept me rock hard during the rest of our session. He played with my nipples, using suction devices to get them enlarged and sensitive and then hard metal clamps which got my adrenaline flowing. I wondered if my neighbors would hear my moans and yelps outside my window but after a while I didn't care. I was in ecstasy.

Then something happened. We were in the bathroom and he put a blindfold on me. He tied my wrists together with a bandana and had me get on my knees in the shower. I had no idea what was going to happen next, which should have been really exciting, but I was suddenly terrified. There's a great old story called An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge, which was filmed as a Twilight Zone episode and inspired plot lines of a few different movies. It was about a man who was being hanged from a bridge. Just as the man is pushed from the side of the bridge the rope around his neck snaps and he escapes into the water. He goes on a great adventure evading his captors and eventually leading him to his home with his wife and children inside. And just as he's about to get to them the hangman's rope reaches it's end and the man is dead. You find out that the entire story was a fantasy in the man's head as he's falling to his death. I had a moment exactly like that only in reverse. The few seconds I was keeling on my shower floor felt like hours and a million thoughts went flying through my head. I thought, do I really know this man? Yeah, we had played a few times but other than that I knew nothing of his life. What if he was a serial killer? I live in Los Angeles, there are crazy people all around. What if he had lied about his open relationship and was starting to worry about his partner finding out. Was he here to get rid of me so I didn't make trouble. Because I was still new to all of this I felt a bit of shame and embarrassment over wanting to try all these kinky things so I didn't tell anyone what I was doing or who was coming over. I didn't even know the guy's last name, so even if I did tell someone, they wouldn't have known who this man was. He could shoot me or slit my throat. I didn't have a lot of friends at the time, my family was all the way at the other side of the country. I supposed if the people at my job got angry that I hadn't been showing up for work they might have sent someone over, but I'd be long dead by then. Should I scream? Should I beg for my life? Should I at least say something?

Then I felt it. A warm stream of piss running down my chest. He wasn't going to kill me, he just wanted to add one more hot thing to my list of explorations, Watersports. I was turned on but at the same time I couldn't shake the feeling of how dangerous it all was. And while some people find terror an aphrodisiac, to me it was just disturbing. And it kept the whole experience from being as hot as it really could have been.

So how do you make a BDSM scene safe? Here are some suggestions. Now, keep in mind I am not an authority, I'm just someone who has had a lot of experiences. Take what you will from my advice but as an adult you are able to make your own informed decisions. This is only advice.

(At some point I will talk about the many terms we use in the world of BDSM but to keep this column on track I will let you know that when I say "Top", it simply means the person who is in charge, and when I use the term "bottom" I mean the one who is submitting. The Top ties the ropes and throws the flogger, the bottom gets tied up and flogged. And the way I capitalize Top and not bottom is not a typo but that is a subject for another article another time.)

1) Learn Your Craft

As the Top, make friends with other people who are into the BDSM lifestyle and learn the craft of your kinks firsthand. YouTube, Xtube and whatever other tubes there are have a wealth of information put together by people who may or may not actually know what they're talking about. Let online videos teach you how to make an egg salad sandwich but not how to be a good Master. Trust me on this. Watching a documentary on race car driving does not make you a race car driver. Find people who know what they are doing and let them teach you. Many leather organizations and kink oriented businesses have workshops, which are a great place to start. But would you really enter the Indy 500 after attending one driver's ed class? I think not. Even something as simple as bondage can cause someone great bodily harm, so learn what you're doing before you do it.

2) Have a Safe Word

A safe word is a word or phrase that the bottom can use to let the Top know that they need to stop. Why a safe word rather than just saying "stop"? Because it's not unusual for a bottom to get so caught up in what's going on that they start yelling "stop stop stop" when they really don't want to stop. The safe word allows you to do and say what comes naturally, leaving the actual endgame trigger for when you really need it. You should not feel bad or guilty about calling a scene with your safe word, and anyone who makes you feel bad or tries to bully you into not using it is probably not someone you want to start out with. Some Tops don't like to use safe words because after years of experience they feel they can read the submissive well enough to stop when things get to be too much, and that's fine if they really know what they are doing and have the reputation to back it up. But for those just starting off, there is nothing wrong with having one even if the Top never pushes you so far that you need to use it. And now a warning. As the bottom, do NOT use your safe word to control the scene. Nothing pisses of a Top more than someone tries to direct the intensity of the whole scene by using a safe word. Allow the Top to direct the scene.

3) Communicate

New bottoms often fantasize that the Top will unlock all of their deepest darkest desires and all play sessions will run smoothly just like in the porn movies. This is a load of horseshit. A Top only knows what is going on inside your head if you tell him. And if you're a Top, you may have a wonderful bag of tricks just ready to go but if you don't know your bottom well then you'll be pretty shocked when that $800 leather hood that all the boys drool over suddenly causes your new bottom to go into a panic attack for no apparent reason. If you had talked ahead of time about health issues, medical issues, fantasies and fears, you would have probably known that he was extremely claustrophobic and hood was the one thing that was going to set him over the edge. So, while you may want to get right into all the super sexy "Yes Sir, how may I serve you Sir", keep in mind that all actors need to rehearse their scripts before making movie magic (and yes, that goes for porn too). Take some time before playing to talk openly and honestly with each other about what you both want before the leather goes on and the protocol begins. Yes, experienced Tops will have ways to make this a part of a scene and there are exceptions to every rule, but when you're just starting out there is nothing wrong with keeping things real.

4) Have a Safety

A Safety is a friend to whom you can give the name and contact info of the person you are playing with. Let your potential play partner know that you are playing safe and need to give a friend his info. I understand that some people prefer to keep this type of play discreet but I will never play with someone who won't allow me to tell someone where I'll be and who I'll be with. To me, that always signals a red flag. Let your safety know what time you are arriving and when you are planning on leaving, and plan a time for you to check in with them. And be sure to call or text when you get home so they will know you are safe. It's a good idea even if you know the person you are playing with. If a Top falls and becomes unconscious while the bottom is wrapped completely in saran wrap from the neck down it will be a really good idea that someone knows where you are and what you are doing.

If all your friends are vanilla (what we call the non-kinky) and you're nervous about telling anyone that you are looking to explore your kinks, there is something you can do. Pick one friend you are closest to who you think can handle it and come out to them as being kinky. If you don't have anyone in your life who can be that person for you then before you begin actually playing, make friends in the local BDSM community. You can ask around about who is safe to play with, and you can make friends who can be your safety. Either way you'll be in much better shape than you would be if you were kneeling on the floor, blindfolded and restrained, wondering if you've made the right decision.