We've all heard that funny come-on, "Nice shoes! Wanna fuck?" Compliments like that reek—you can bet the speaker is less interested in your fashionable loafers than he is in your underwear. But bad compliments are all kinda like that—they come off as phony, superfluous, or with strings attached.
A well-placed compliment, on the other hand can help raise spirits, defuse stress, strengthen a bond, or break the ice. So here are a couple of tips to help you deliver a sincere, heartfelt compliments, even when they seem hard to find.
1) BE SINCERE: Praising someone just because you think it's a good idea is a bad idea. Phoniness is easy to spot and destroys credibility. So if your friend's public performance was a flop, don't praise their act. Praise their effort, their dedication, or their other accomplishments.
2) BE SPECIFIC: A compliment like "That was a marvelous mojito!" praises your host for their bartending skills. That's so much better than "Wow, that was a quite a drink!" which makes it sound like they put in too much alcohol because the compliment is vague. Similarly, saying "I really loved that joke about the nun and the mayonnaise," lets a joke teller know which of their quips made a memorable impression on you.
3) DON'T COMPARE: Never compare one person's accomplishment to another. Telling a friend at a karaoke bar "At least you sang better than Bob," is kinda like saying "At least you didn't suck as much as he did." Your friend doesn't want to feel better about themselves by shitting on someone else. They want to be appreciated on their own merit... jerk.
4) GIVING COMPLIMENTS AT WORK: Unless you're close with a colleague, it's best to compliment one's work skills rather than their personal appearance. That goes double for any superior or subordinate. Hierarchical work relationships contain a power dynamic that may make the compliment seem loaded or easily misunderstood. When it comes to compliments at work, stick to business.
5) GETTING PERSONAL: Did you friend just start using a baldness cure, have a gastric bypass surgery, or get Botox injections? There are some occassions when you want to acknowledge a change in a person's appearance, but aren't sure how. In these cases, simply say, "Wow, you look marvelous!" and if the person wants to talk about it, they will. Otherwise, if they just say thank you, let it drop, change the subject, and ask a mutual acquaintance about it later.
6) RECEIVING A COMPLIMENT: Simply say, "Thank you." DON'T say, "Are you nuts?!" "It was nothing," "You're just being nice," or "Please, I just threw this together." Such self-effacing comments don't make you come off as humble or self-effacing; they make it sound as if you're disparaging, disputing, or diminishing someone's compliment. To do so insults the giver by questioning their judgments, standards, taste, or—worse—their sincerity. A simple "thank you" will make you come off as gracious and grounded.
Like any other skill, it's a good idea to practice giving compliments. You'll get better at spotting opportunities to give them and eventually garner a few yourself.
SOURCE: Mary Mitchell, social skills expert and author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Etiquette and nationally syndicated columnist, Ms. Demeanor.
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