DEAR BUTT

By David Mills
Jason from Toronto, Canada writes…

26 February 2013

Dear BUTT,

I’m thirty-two, but I’ve never had a boyfriend. Dating and romance are really important to me, but nothing ever seems to happen when I try to meet guys.

I have a very conventional idea that courtship with guys is much like courtship with women… Having dinner at a fancy restaurant, being wined and dined, being pampered, treated with roses and candles burning.

Is there something wrong with that?

Jason

26 February 2013

Dear Jason,

Ah, the fancy restaurant, the candlelight, the Celine Dion, the blank stares… Put down the roses, my dear. ‘Courtship’ has evolved since the 1950s and it’s time to update your moves.

Why not take him to Niagara Falls to photobomb tourists? Catch that contemporary dance company everybody’s talking about or even better, a death metal band — or some combination of the two. You could smuggle poppers into your local karaoke joint and get high while singing K-pop.

Be the guy with out-of-the-ordinary tastes for a change.

I’m not saying stock romance is never appropriate. If done with a sense of humor and plenty of mock-sincerity, an evening of fairytale romance can be fun. But courtship…? Even when you do meet your Prince Charming, how are you supposed to spunk all over his face with all those stuffed animals staring back at you?

My recommendation: let romance blossom out of something more substantial than Julia Roberts’ filmography.

Crying you a river,

David