Interview by Didier Lestrade
Photography by Alex Klesta
33-year-old walnut farmer Sébastien and his sister inherited the family farm, La Ferme Vivier, from their parents. The farm, spread out over twelve hectares near the forested mountains of the Rhône-Alpes in southeastern France, was originally cultivated by his great grandfather. Although he occasionally hops on the high-speed train to visit his boyfriend in Paris, Sébastien likes the idea of settling down and contributing something to his region. I wanted to find out if there was also some gay life there, and get some tips on tending to my own walnut tree.
Didier: My walnut tree produced so many walnuts this year — big ones — I wonder if it’s because it rained so much.
Sébastien: Water is good for big nuts. I may sound like a grumpy farmer, but I have to tell you, Didier, I don’t care about other people’s walnuts. Sorry, but that’s just how I am.
Okay… The thing with walnuts is you have to wait at least ten years for young trees to produce.
Yes, you need ten years to begin to harvest, but the best yield is after fifteen or twenty years. You have to be patient.
In my garden, I really have to fight with squirrels because they steal everything. What kind of pests do you have?
Old people… They are the worst! They come over and steal bags of walnuts and if I dare say anything, they scream back. So I threaten to come over to their houses and serve myself an apéritif.
Did you grow up in a farm?
Yes, around Chatte et Saint-Marcellin.
Does the harvest stress you out?
Yes, my butt hole gets so tight… Even if it lasts only one month, I always have the feeling of being overwhelmed. Once it begins, it’s full-time work every day. It’s a really tense rhythm.
Do you have to clean and dry the walnuts before you sell them?
You really do have to make sure they dry out completely, otherwise they’ll rot. After that, you can keep them for months, no problem. Some people don’t know the difference between fresh and dry walnuts, but they’ll give you all sorts of lessons about it anyway.
Do you ever get the feeling that people lose more and more basic knowledge of nature? For example, some friends of mine can’t tell the difference between a chestnut and a walnut tree. Or worse… The difference between an oak and an ash tree.
Yeah, it’s true. People think they know nature, but they don’t. Contact with nature keeps me balanced.
I read that walnut leaves are not so good for compost as they have a lot of tannin. Is it true?
Nah, you guys make me laugh with this compost mania. I make a really good compost with walnut leaves… I have been composting all my life. You can also use it for le brou de noix a stain that furniture makers use. Anyway, it doesn't keep old people from stealing…
Is it true that walnut trees have very few pests.
There is one pest… La mouche du brou! What a bitch!
When should I cut the branches to give my walnut tree a good shape, in late fall or during the winter?
If you really must cut your branches, do it in the winter when the sap is low. Cutting the dead branches just makes it pretty.
Is there anywhere to go out and meet gays in the countryside?
In Grenoble, you have a couple guys who do some nice parties, Cyril and Jeff. It’s friendly. I know a few little bars around my place that are okay. I love the Café du Terminus, the bar across from the Saint-Marcellin train station. So eighties… There are few gay, or gay friendly, places in the region. Nothing is better than in the outdoors at the old cruising grounds. There’s one I’m trying to ‘promote’, not too far away from my place, near the Beauvoir dam.
What turns you on?
Jerking off with dudes! I like straight guys who don’t know better, or shy bi guys. Some pussy lover who doesn't mind playing with a dick from to time to time…
Any turn offs?
Yes, stop talking to me about ‘L’amour est dans le pré’ [French version of ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’, a reality show in which farmers are paired with prospective brides]. I hate TV. TV is for morons…
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