" I emailed Dewitt the other day about the cumOmatic, this product that doesn't exist yet that claims to be the next evolution of sex toys, and his response was that it “seems very ominous”. The idea is that you stick their product in your butt and the product will wirelessly throb in time to whatever motion is happening on your computer screen. You know, like somebody getting their ass drilled in a porn movie. Which sounds fun, if it works.
It’s not really catching on—the indiegogo fundraising project has been out for a week now and exactly one person has contributed—but I have a bunch of questions. Like, what if you’re watching a movie that isn't porn? Can you get your hole slammed in time with World War Z? Or Joss Whedon’s Much Ado About Nothing? Also, does this thing even actually work, and if so, how?
(I know that for a bunch of years now there’s been a vibrator that you can plug into an iPod so your butt can throb along with the bass line of your favorite song. Which always sounded fun, not that I’ve tried.)
The products are/will be definitely geared towards straight people, and believe it or not, I’ve been seriously crushing on more than one straight porn guy lately. Like Jared Grey. He’s been appearing in scenes on his girlfriend’s website for a while now, but it seems like he might be branching out into more mainstream porn. And for that I’m glad.
He’s got a big floppy dick, fuzzy ass cheeks, and a lean body. He’s also got hair that falls somewhere between Bi-Curious Emo Guy Hair and The Hairstyle That Every Single Urban Gay Male Has In 2013. But since it’s unlikely that I’d ever talk him over to my team, let alone to my house, maybe this is just when the cumOmatic would come in handy."
- Lawrenc
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