Cristiano Ronaldo

 "Looking like a bronzed oil slick with abs, Cristiano Ronaldo maintained his spicy pork rind skin by taking in a whole lot of sun with a dude friend on a yacht in Miami today. It’s been way too long since I've written anything about Crispy and I miss getting a major craving for a microwaved Slim Jim dipped in chili oil whenever I look at his skin. Crispy’s skin is like fine Portuguese leather. Don’t you just want to stick your wallet, house keys, cell phone, condoms and your vaporizer one-hitter up his ass and carry him everywhere you go? And don’t you just want to rip your drivers side leather car seat out and replace it with Crispy Ronaldo? Cadillac should really offer that as an upgrade.

And I've always loved Crispy, because he’s single-handedly keeping Sun-In alive, dresses like an extra from the 80s video game Out Run and is always lubed up and ready to go. He’s like a humanized leather condom." -- Dlisted

 Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, OIH, (born 5 February 1985), commonly known as Cristiano Ronaldo, is a Portuguese footballer who plays as a forward for Spanish La Liga club Real Madrid and who serves as captain of the Portuguese national team. He became the most expensive footballer in history after moving from Manchester United to Real Madrid in a transfer worth £80 million (€93.9 million/$131.6 million). In addition, his contract with Real Madrid, in which he is paid €12 million per year, makes him one of the highest-paid footballers in the world, and his buyout clause is valued at €1 billion as per his contract.

Ronaldo began his career as a youth player for Andorinha, where he played for two years, before moving to C.D. Nacional. In 1997, he made a move to Portuguese giants Sporting Clube de Portugal. Ronaldo caught the attention of Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson, who signed him for £12.24 million (€15 million) in 2003. The following season, Ronaldo won his first club honor, the FA Cup.

Ronaldo was the first player to win all four main PFA and FWA awards, doing so in 2007. In 2008, Ronaldo won the Ballon d'Or.[6] He placed second in the Ballon d'Or in 2007, 2009, 2011 and 2012. He was awarded the European Golden Shoe in both 2008 and 2011. In 2008, he won three of the four main PFA and FWA trophies and was named the FIFPro Player of the Year, World Soccer Player of the Year, Onze d'Or, and the FIFA World Player of the Year. In 2007 and 2008, Ronaldo was named FWA Footballer of the Year. Ronaldo was the inaugural winner of the FIFA Puskás Award in 2009.

Ronaldo is considered one of the best footballers in the world. He holds numerous former and current scoring records, including records for most goals scored in a season for Real Madrid, most goals scored per minute in La Liga, first top European league player to reach 40 goals in a single season in two consecutive years, fastest Real Madrid player to reach one hundred league goals, and the first player ever to score against every team in a single season in La Liga. In January 2013, Cristiano Ronaldo scored his 300th club goal.

Ronaldo is a Portuguese international and made his debut against Kazakhstan in August 2003. He has since participated in five major tournaments; UEFA Euro 2004, the 2006 FIFA World Cup, UEFA Euro 2008, the 2010 FIFA World Cup and UEFA Euro 2012. He scored his first international goal in the opening game of the Euro 2004 against Greece, in addition to helping Portugal reach the final. He took over the captaincy of the side in July 2008 and went on to captain Portugal to the semi-finals at the Euro 2012 and finished the competition as the joint best scorer with three goals. On 16 October 2012, Ronaldo won his 100th cap against Northern

Ireland, making him the third highest capped player for Portugal and became the third youngest European to reach a century of international appearances.